My heart has become calloused and bruised, what was once welcoming and warm, has now been left uninviting and cold.
While I struggle to not let the past effect it, I begin to realize that it is already too late.
I have trusted, I have loved and I have lost, I have had my heart broken, time and time again.
I have given my all to someone, only to come out exhausted, broken and disheartened.
I have little to give to anyone, anymore, but am also beginning to realize my own worth, and know that I am worth far more than I have previously received.
Do I belong alone, is this my fate?
Will I ever be loved in the way that I am capable of loving?
Even if I were, how will I know, when my forever person has found me or I have found him?
I second guess my heart, which is a strange and unfamiliar feeling.
How will I know when it is meant to be, if I am so scared and reluctant to give the pieces of my heart freely?
How will I know if I can trust that it won't be torn to shreds only to be given back in tattered, torn and battered pieces once again?
Why is it that it is so hard and so scary to trust the good things?
Will I ever be able to trust without second guessing again?
How will I know if it is you that can soften this calloused heart once again?
How is it that I can be strong and independent, yet kind and selfeless and longing to be truly loved?
How do I not let the ones that have damaged this heart of mine and caused so much pain and hurt and distrust, interfere with my future?
How can I trust that you will not do the same, if given the opportunity, when I am SO terrified to have my heart broken once again?
Everyone seems to leave at some point or another, so why bother letting them in, only to have them leave?
Also, how can anyone love something so broken and so timid to receiving love?
Am I fooling myself into thinking it is possible, or am I sabotaging my one chance at finding it?
All I can do, is choose to take the leap of faith, and hope for the best, while discretely preparing for the worst.
Please, prove me wrong and be true, if nothing more than a friend comes of it, know that I will be okay with that.
All I ask is that you be upfront and honest with me, don't string me along, only to further damage what I am willing to give you of what is left of my heart, piece by piece, with time.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Attempted Murder, Shots Fired and a Candle Lit Dinner for Two
My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and like every other long committed relationship, ours has began to lose its spark. We have found it difficult to make time for each other on top of all the demands of day to day life. My husband is the sole provider for our family and he works extremely hard to provide us with a comfortable way of life. He works 12 hour days which include an hour commute each way, so he is usually away from the house 14 hours a day. While I am in charge of holding down the fort at home. I am a full time mom of two boys (a 5 yr. old and a 6 month old) and a home-maker. These demands do not leave much time for anything fun or romantic, so feeling like I was in need of feeling closer and in need of meeting him on a higher level of intimacy, I decided to surprise my hubby with a candle lit dinner for two and a romantic evening to talk and catch up on life outside of work and in my case, home.
It was a Wednesday night which is my husbands weekly swing shift. He works until 10 p.m every week on this night. I had planned on having everything ready and nice for him when he walked through the door. I had tucked the boys into bed early and cleaned the kitchen and the house, I had dinner ready, the fireplace was on and a friend had helped me compose all the songs that we played at our wedding and wedding reception onto one CD. I cleared off the table, set out wine glasses and a bottle of wine, and set the table with our best table settings. I was ready for him to come home.
The music was playing softly, the glow from the fire was dancing on the walls, and the aroma of amazing food filled the air. My husband arrived home around 10:50 pm which was normal given the commute, and I was very pleased to hear his car pull in the drive way. I stood at the entry of the kitchen to greet him as he came up the stairs of our split-level home. He opened the door and came running up the stairs, I thought to myself "wow he is in a hurry," but then I just thought "awe, how sweet, he is just eager to be home." I put out my arms to give him a hug and kiss and he quickly kissed me and said "hi honey," before rushing his way past me. I thought his behavior was odd and before I even realized what was happening he grabbed his gun, loaded it, grabbed his flashlight and was running out the back sliding glass door. By this time of course I had asked him what was going on? And he answered with the fact that he had heard some strange noises in the back yard when he pulled up to the house. He had mentioned that he thought there was a raccoon in the back yard. I replied with "oh no, go get it!!" Now, many of you are probably asking yourselves why this would cause an issue that needed to be addressed with a firearm, and I will answer that question for you now. My husband and I own 7 chickens and we used to own 3 ducks, until a raccoon came in and murdered 2 of our ducks. All that remains is our single male duck (Aka A--hole duck).
My husband ran up on the raccoon that had our male duck pinned down and was eating it alive. Our male duck was fighting frantically for his life, my husband was able to stop the attack by scaring the raccoon whom ran into hiding under a bush in our side yard. My husband had then ran back upstairs and was shining the light down on the side yard trying to get a clear shot at the masked bandit. By this time I was standing out there next to him asking if the duck was okay and trying to see if he was alive. In the mean time my husband had seen the glow of the raccoons eyes and had decided to fire a shot attempting to hit our furry attempted murderer. I was not prepared for this, and as a result the blast was SO deafening loud that it made my right ear instantly ring and the re-percussion of the back draft of the bullet leaving the gun had hit me like a brick wall. My husband had successfully hit and wounded the raccoon, but there was no telling how lethal the shot was.
I am happy to say that despite the events leading into the evening, we were able to salvage the night and spend a nice night together re-kindling our love for one another, even with a constant ringing in my ear that lasted for the rest of the evening. I am also glad to report that somehow, rather miraculously, Mr. Duck or Zombie Duck survived the attempt on his life, but looks like a zombie now with his throat torn open and exposed and part of his back missing.
It was a lovely beginning to a romantic evening, but I must admit, it did not surprise me one bit, as this is my life, "crazy beautiful chaotic bliss." I hope you enjoy reading my blogs and I hope that you can appreciate my stories and share a laugh with me.
It was a Wednesday night which is my husbands weekly swing shift. He works until 10 p.m every week on this night. I had planned on having everything ready and nice for him when he walked through the door. I had tucked the boys into bed early and cleaned the kitchen and the house, I had dinner ready, the fireplace was on and a friend had helped me compose all the songs that we played at our wedding and wedding reception onto one CD. I cleared off the table, set out wine glasses and a bottle of wine, and set the table with our best table settings. I was ready for him to come home.
The music was playing softly, the glow from the fire was dancing on the walls, and the aroma of amazing food filled the air. My husband arrived home around 10:50 pm which was normal given the commute, and I was very pleased to hear his car pull in the drive way. I stood at the entry of the kitchen to greet him as he came up the stairs of our split-level home. He opened the door and came running up the stairs, I thought to myself "wow he is in a hurry," but then I just thought "awe, how sweet, he is just eager to be home." I put out my arms to give him a hug and kiss and he quickly kissed me and said "hi honey," before rushing his way past me. I thought his behavior was odd and before I even realized what was happening he grabbed his gun, loaded it, grabbed his flashlight and was running out the back sliding glass door. By this time of course I had asked him what was going on? And he answered with the fact that he had heard some strange noises in the back yard when he pulled up to the house. He had mentioned that he thought there was a raccoon in the back yard. I replied with "oh no, go get it!!" Now, many of you are probably asking yourselves why this would cause an issue that needed to be addressed with a firearm, and I will answer that question for you now. My husband and I own 7 chickens and we used to own 3 ducks, until a raccoon came in and murdered 2 of our ducks. All that remains is our single male duck (Aka A--hole duck).
My husband ran up on the raccoon that had our male duck pinned down and was eating it alive. Our male duck was fighting frantically for his life, my husband was able to stop the attack by scaring the raccoon whom ran into hiding under a bush in our side yard. My husband had then ran back upstairs and was shining the light down on the side yard trying to get a clear shot at the masked bandit. By this time I was standing out there next to him asking if the duck was okay and trying to see if he was alive. In the mean time my husband had seen the glow of the raccoons eyes and had decided to fire a shot attempting to hit our furry attempted murderer. I was not prepared for this, and as a result the blast was SO deafening loud that it made my right ear instantly ring and the re-percussion of the back draft of the bullet leaving the gun had hit me like a brick wall. My husband had successfully hit and wounded the raccoon, but there was no telling how lethal the shot was.
I am happy to say that despite the events leading into the evening, we were able to salvage the night and spend a nice night together re-kindling our love for one another, even with a constant ringing in my ear that lasted for the rest of the evening. I am also glad to report that somehow, rather miraculously, Mr. Duck or Zombie Duck survived the attempt on his life, but looks like a zombie now with his throat torn open and exposed and part of his back missing.
It was a lovely beginning to a romantic evening, but I must admit, it did not surprise me one bit, as this is my life, "crazy beautiful chaotic bliss." I hope you enjoy reading my blogs and I hope that you can appreciate my stories and share a laugh with me.
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